Knitting Through the Pain: On Knitting, Love, and Celebrating Life

Content Warning: Loss of a loved one, Death, Cancer

This post is hard for me to write, but I think people may relate to it. If my words are worth anything to anyone I’ll consider it a success. This post will be more personal and off-the-cuff  than most and if that’s not your thing I understand. I will have more business and strictly knitting or dyeing related content for you soon. For now, I just needed to get this down.

Loss is an undeniable part of life. We all experience it. It is universal. Knowing that never makes it any easier. I am experiencing loss in my life as I type this. A beloved family member of mine is dying of breast cancer. (Please for the love of all that is holy get checked. Never skip a screening!) At this moment I’m struggling to deal with the vacuum that will be present in my life when my loved one passes. But as I think this, I also think I would so much rather bask in the warmth of her presence in my life than mourn the lack of presence that will be there soon. 

In trying to focus on the celebration of this family member’s life, I have found myself turning to knitting to give me strength, purpose, grounding, introspection, and ultimately happiness. Knitting has always been a love-driven endeavour for me. I’m an incurable gift knitter and always will be. That shlanket I spent 6 months on? You like it? It’s yours. That’s just how I am. I want the people around me to be happy and I will push my knits on them in an attempt to demand they accept my love and also keep warm. 

I knew immediately I would be knitting for my loved one as soon as I heard the news. Finding the right yarn, pattern, and colorway to show her how much she is loved is no easy task. I also have to factor time into the equation. I did settle on these things and have been furiously knitting for days now. 

I chose a pattern not of my own design, as I didn’t have the time to hem and haw over what stitch patterns showed my love best. The pattern is Delafield by Melissa Schaschwary found in the book Plum Dandi Knits: Simple Designs for Luxury Yarns from Interweave Press. There is such stillness and introspection in the photography of this collection that it just felt right. This wrap really hit all the buttons for me. It’s knit in bulky weight yarn with a simple cable repeat that’s easy to memorize. I’ve picked out the perfect purple color for the wrap that my family member is going to absolutely love (it’s her favorite color), and the bulky yarn will help keep her warm when she gets chilly.

So much of my heart is going into this project and it really feels like each stitch is a celebration of memories made over a lifetime. That feeling of pouring myself into this project for her has provided me with such purpose, strength, and ultimately happiness that I am celebrating a life well lived and well loved. I know that as she wears it she will feel all the love I have put into it over the past several days.

Knitting connects us in strong and surprising ways. I never thought knitting would be the thing I clung to for strength in such a troubling time. But here I am feeling happy for having all these memories with my family rather than sorry for the loss. Of course I’m sad, devastated is really the word, but I choose to knit furiously with love and intent rather than lament through this process of loss. This is what works for me. Of course everyone processes loss in their own way, and your way is right for you. No one can tell you otherwise. But for me, I choose to honor the life of an amazing woman with my knitting. This wrap may not always be hers but it will forever be a celebration of her life. 

Keep knitting, stay strong.

Love and Badassery,

Laura